Archive for March 23rd, 2009

Taking a page from both Deep Friar and the WILF challenge, I decided to share some of the facts about life which one may gain from playing video games.

• The human body can be shot, hacked, burned, frozen, and otherwise mutilated, yet it will be healed completely by a good night’s sleep.
• Being seriously injured doesn’t limit your ability to run, jump, and fight, but it may cause a brief reddish haze to flash across your vision.
• Poison won’t hurt you if you don’t move until the poison wears off.
• Eating bread is better than a good night’s sleep, since it has the same effect but only takes a tenth of a second to accomplish.
• Removing internal organs from an animal you’ve killed is as simple as pulling a clean pair of socks from a drawer.
• That twelve-foot sword you just used to kill a giant rat will fit neatly in your pocket right next to your double-bladed axe, spare set of full-body plate armor, the anvil your neighbor wants you to take to his business partner, and enough gold to overflow Fort Knox.
• Fires don’t require firewood, torches rarely burn out, and no one needs to pay the electric or water bill.
• Nobody goes poo.
• Long falls only hurt you if they happen because you’re careless.  If you fall because of circumstances beyond your control, you will merely be knocked unconscious for a short period of time (during which you are likely to heal fully, as after a good night’s sleep).
• Young, fragile, naïve girls are usually able to magically summon and control beasts that would make the Devil shiver in his boots, if he wore boots.
• Extraordinarily valuable items are left in unlocked, unguarded chests scattered randomly around any villain’s hideout.
• Villains always have elaborate hideouts.
• The key to defeating any villain may be found within his hideout.
• Maps always have a blinking “you are here” dot… no matter where you are.
• Especially tense moments always trigger flashbacks of incredibly important events in your life that you’ve never remembered before.
• Dreams come true, but only if they feature a god, ghost, or demon trying to tell you something.
• Store owners are always as willing to buy your old, used junk as they are to sell you new, top-quality merchandise.
• Whenever things don’t look so good… don’t worry, the sequel’s graphics will be much improved.
• If at first you don’t succeed, check GameFaqs.
• The last of anything is the most powerful of its kind that has ever lived… but, unless it is evil, it needs your help to continue surviving.
• The “reset” button solves everything.
• If the reset button fails to solve something, that’s ok… there’s a cheat code.  You cheater.

You know, I don’t think this post has a point.  Hmm.

*reset* … *reset*reset*reset*

… (Dang!)