Keep it secret, keep it safe.

So I finally succumbed to the adolescent abomination that is MySpace.

No, no, it’s not what you think.  I don’t have a MySpace now, and I never will again… but for approximately ten minutes, I did.

Why?  Was I drawn into the mystique of being able to make thousands of “friends” in a matter of minutes?  Did I wish to find out how many teenagers in Yoknap County cut themselves?  Was I missing the exciting drama of reading about my student’s friend’s boyfriend sleeping with his other girlfriend’s mother, along with everything that half the teenagers in three local counties, seven cities in California, and a small suburb in Germany have to say about it?  Did I long for the obnoxious tween-targeted ads featuring the stars and starlets of High School Musical 7?

No, no, nonono.  None of the above.  It’s still not what you think.

It was about identity theft and slander, libel and liability.  See, here’s the thing.  I teach tons of tech-tutored teenagers.  Since I believe in things like discipline, respect, the intrinsic value of knowledge, and the unacceptability of laziness, some of my students — the ones who do not share these beliefs — dislike me.  A few even hate me.  In fact, every year I have one or two who utterly loathe me.

One day, one of these students will wake up, startled, with the realization that teaching is a reputation-sensitive career.

I will rant another day about how a few certified teachers, moonlighting as certifiable perverts, have ruined the concept of “job security” for the respectable majority.  For now, suffice it to say that teachers walk on eggshells all the time.  Except, of course, for the ones who don’t, the ones who will eventually face false accusations and have no way to disprove them.

The other day, it occurred to me that one of the hateful, bitter juvenile delinquents I’ve had the pleasure of ”teaching” could make a MySpace page in my name and populate its fields with whatever he or she chooses.

That… is a scary thought.

Legal issues?  Fo’gettaboutit.  That’s not what I’m worried about.  It’s my reputation as a professional that earns me the respect of my employers, the occasional cooperation of my students’ parents, and the trust of most of the children.  I do not fear being jailed for crimes I have never committed.  I do fear losing my reputation (and perhaps my job) due to the accusation that I have committed those crimes.

Legal issues for the person making the false profile?  HA!  Not likely.  I might win a civil suit against them, if I can prove that I’ve been wronged, can prove who wronged me, don’t mind spending several unemployed years in court, and can find a lawyer who won’t take 99% of whatever I’m lucky enough to win.

Paranoia?  Fo’gettabout that, too.  It’s not.  While doing a search on MySpace for the name of a teacher in my building, I turned up a profile – supposedly by that teacher – bragging about highly illegal sexual acts performed on a habitual basis.  (Ironically, this isn’t likely to cause him long-term difficulties; it takes more subtle slander than this to get most people believing it.)

“Holy crap.  Holy CRAP!  Where’s the ‘register’ button?”  click  “Hmm… name, email address, blah blah blah…” click  “Yep, terms of service and whatnot, I gotcha.”  click  “Edit profile, indeed.”  click click type type typitty type click click  “Save.”  click.  “One friend already?  What the… okayyy.”  click

I sat back.  Pre-emptive profiling.  Awesome, I have the power.  Yes I d… wait.

Remember the section of the registration form where I had to prove my identity?  It was right next to that other section… you remember it… where it reassured me that no one else on MySpace had opened an account in my name.

Wait.  Wait-wait-wait.  No, actually, I don’t remember either of those sections.

Doesn’t that mean any of my students could go ahead and make another profile in my name, filling it with whatever accusations they like?

Sighing, I clicked the “delete account” link (and the two “are you sure” links on the pages following it and the “delete confirmation” link in the email that last page triggered and the “ok” link on the page where it let me know I’d have a week to change my mind before the deletion was finalized).

Thought for the day:  Web 2.0 wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t running under Government 1.776-beta.

What I did in my youth is hundreds of times easier today. Technology breeds crime. — Frank Abagnale, Jr.

The two most precious things on this side of the grave are our reputation and our life. But it is to be lamented that the most contemptible whisper may deprive us of the one, and the weakest weapon of the other. — Charles Caleb Colton

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